Emotionless
by ravenrules23
Summary: Ellie dosen’t know how she can move on after Sean moves to Wasaga. She feels numb, emotionless. But somehow Sean finds a way back to her heart, after long days and nights. Will Ellie forgive Sean, and mend their broken relationship?
1. Whatcha Gonna Do?

**The latest from Ravenrules23....

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**Emotionless!**

**Summary: **Ellie dosen't know how she can move on after Sean moves to Wasaga. She feels numb, emotionless. But somehow Sean finds a way back to her heart, after long days and nights. Will Ellie forgive Sean, and mend their broken relationship?

**A/N: **Finally a Shellie fic for you guys! Well, sorta, cuz they are not together through this whole fic..but you'll see. And also, I can't forget my amigos at LiveJournal! U guys rock! And of course ReviewChick14, thanx for ur reviews! Over and out...

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**Emotionless Chapter 1- Whatcha Gonna Do?**

_Dear Diary,_

_The feelings I have felt the past weeks are unlike any others I've ever felt. I'm starting to not be able to take it. One hurdle after another. First I fall head over heels madly in love with Sean. He crushes my heart. Now all Ashley does is hang out with Craig, and basically I have no where to go, no place to hide. Sean's place is mine now, but I don't feel like keeping it. I can't live by myself. All I can do now is hope that Mom can get better, and we can move into the house. My dad hired people to reconstruct it, so when Mom is better it will be ready to move into. Yeah, Dad is still fighting, but he got a break and I got to see him. That was the highlight of my week. I hugged him like I had no one else. He told me to not worry, things will get better, but somehow I don't believe him._

_Till next time, Ellie._

I clasped my diary shut. Once again, it was 9:50, time for bed. Dad was home, he was staying for a extra week to make sure I'm gonna be okay. I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do after Dad leaves. It's either Fly or Die. The biggest issue I'm facing is where IÕm gonna stay. I canÕt stay at home, it's still being repaired. Ashley might take me, but her family's under enough stress. Basically, I've got no one.

Welcome to my life.

The image of Sean came into my head. I couldn't believe the guy. I understand his decision, IÕm sure it was hard. But he doesn't get how much he hurt me, left me in this horrible situation I'm in now. It's so hard to let him go, but I know it's the best thing to do. He left me, so now I've gotta show him I can be strong and be able to move on.

My dad knocked softly on my door. I opened the door, just enough to see his face.

"Hey honey, just dropping off a glass of water." said my dad.

"Thanks." I replied, taking the glass and placing it on my nightstand.

"Listen, I know it's very hard on you, having to live on your own. But until your mom gets out of rehab, this is the way it's gonna be. I'm sure she'll be out soon though, she's doing great." said my dad.

"I hope so. I really do." I said, hugging my dad.

We hugged for a long time, until my dad got up and headed to the door.

"Just be strong, honey. You can do it." said dad and left.

I wasn't so sure. Everything was all messed up, and I was left to pick up the pieces.

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	2. I Miss You

**Emotionless Chapter 2  
I Miss You  
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**A/N: **Really sorry about those stupid annoying O things. I tried to get rid of them but it is no use! Anyway, please keep reading! This is Sean's POV chapter.

**Chapter 2- I Miss You**

I stared at the fence that surrounded the house. Mom was coming home soon and Dad left for work. So it was just me, again. It sort of reminded me of a few months ago, living on my own. And it all retraced back to Ellie. How I missed her. I was pretty sure she didnt give a crap about me, ever since I decided to stay here. But she just didnt understand. No one did. I didnt want to leave them, knowing that the whole of Degrassi would hate my guts. But I did what was best for me. I mean, hey, I need some controlling.

I wonder if Ellie ever would forgive me. Or understand. We had always been able to understand each other. I called her the day after, and she wasnt home. Which left me to the answering machine. I tried as hard as I could to explain my feelings, pour my soul out on that message. And I still think that she didn't hear it. If she did, and had the kindness to forgive me, she would of called. But, once again, the world was out to kill me.

I heard Mom's car pull in the driveway. She was holding bags, most likely groceries. I went outside, and helped with the bags, being the good mamma's boy that I was.

Oh hey honey. Thanks for the help. said Mom.

Once we got in the house and unloaded, I looked once again at me and Ellies photo album. It was chock full of photos of me and her, the ferret, Ashley, Craig, or whoever else happened to visit. It brought back good memories, ones I needed more then anything.

If It made you feel any better, you should go out there and visit her. said Mom.

I don't know if she still likes me though. How about if everyone out there hates me? I replied.

Then they truely aren't your friends. Just go and see what happens. said Mom.

I guess.. I said.

It sounded way too risky. Sure, I really wanted to see Ellie, Jay, Alex, and the crew. But I knew that they wouldn't want to see me. And the feeling of not being wanted is the worst feeling that anyone could have.  
But, because my mom kept pushing me to, I eventually agreed.

Now I'm heading to Toronto, to Ellie's house. I'm sure that she is still there, or at me and Tracker's old house. While we rode I was as nervous as meeting someone for the first time. Who knew if this was a good idea?

Finally we got there. I tried as much as possible to go slow. I had our photo album in hand, and a leash in the other. Quickly I rang the doorbell. Here we go...


	3. Forgiving Is Hard To Do

**Emotionless Chapter 3**

**Forgiving Is Hard To Do**

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**A/N: **Well, this chapter is Ellie and Sean's meet-and-greet! Thanks to people who reviewed, and enjoy!

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**Chapter 3- Forgiving Is Hard To Do**

I was feeding Bueller, my ferret, when the doorbell rang. It was probably Mom, visiting again. So I slowly walked to the door, and was shocked when I saw Sean at the door.

The first thing I thought was, _why the heck is he here? _, but then I realized he was sorry. Pity visit? Oh who knows why he was here? I opened the door, ready to hear whines.

"I know, it's weird to see me here. But I miss you Ellie. More than anyone in the world." he said.

"Then why did you move?" I replied.

"Ellie, they're my parents. And seeing them, it just made me realize what I was missing. And how I was so wrong. I wouldn't be here if my parents hadn't sent me here. You don't know how bad things were in Wasaga." he said.

"Maybe I don't, but I still think it was cruel of you to leave me here, alone, with my freakin drunk mother!" I said.

"I knew you'd never understand. This was a huge mistake. And, by the way, tell Jay and Alex I said hi." he said, and turned to leave.

"Wait." I said, having no idea what I was doing.

"What now Ellie?" he said

"You're right. I should understand. But I'm not gonna forgive you so easily for what you did to me." I said.

"I don't expect you to." he said.

"Come in." I said.

He followed me into the house, with all the workers in the kitchen.

"I would offer you a drink, but I wouldn't want to mess with the workers." I said.

We headed upstairs to my room. Not exactly the best place, but me and Sean needed to talk, and maybe this was the best place.

"So, what's been going on with you lately?" asked Sean.

"Nothing. Mom's in rehab and Dad's staying for a little while, to make sure things are ok." I said.

"I feel bad about your situation, but I think back then it was the best decision I could make." he said.

"Yeah…I know. I just don't want to talk about that." I said.

Bueller ran into the room and jumped into Sean's lap. I guess Bueller really missed Sean…

"Hey buddy." said Sean, petting Bueller.

"I guess he really missed you." I said

"Yeah…I guess so." he said.

"I don't know Sean…about anything. How I feel and how this is all gonna work out. I really don't know if I can really forgive you." I said.

"Take your time, then. No one said you were in a rush. Well, I got to go. Mom's waiting."

I followed him to the car.

"Hey, thanks for coming." I said.

"Call me later." said Sean, out the car window. Slowly the car faded away…


	4. Cutting Edge

**Emotionless Chapter 4  
Cutting Edge**

_Dear Diary,  
Sean visited today. It was sort of nice, but definitely not expected. We're on speaking terms now, and he's glad he got that. No way that we're gonna be as close as we were this soon. It's definitely gonna take awhile. Anyway, Mom is still in rehab, and we still have our monthly dinners. Actually, I just came back from having dinner with her. Now I'm here, in the bathroom. Joy. But I think I have a idea...  
Love Ellie_

I stared at the razor. Not anything to the normal human eye, but to me, it was everything. This object gave me the most wonderful feeling in the world, the feeling of numbness. When you're in a stressful situation, so stressful that there's no hope that things can be peaceful, you find a razor, and cut away. To me, it's the only way to feel good.

I try to remind myself, it's okay, things can't be that bad. But they are. Like always.

So, I take the razor, and test the sharpness on my forearm. It's very sharp. So I cut deeper. The numb feeling fills me all over, and I cringe. It's been awhile since I've cut. It's good to get back to old times.

Then I remind myself, if anyone finds out I'm done for. Counceling will be twice as harsh on me, and everyone will think I'm a psycho. I clean the blade with a tissue, toss it in the bathroom mirror cabient, and put a band-aid over the tiny, deep cut.

I leave the bathroom, and find Dad in my room. He found my stash of razors.

Oh crap.

Honey, what is this? he asks.

I say.

I found one in the bathroom too. Ellie, you have a secret. You've been doing something with these razors. says Dad.

Ok, I used to cut myself. Because of you going to Iraq and Mom getting drunk, and everything. The stress, it just made me boil over. I said.

I knew this was a bad idea. Me going to Iraq. said Dad.

Dad, please. It's really good what you are doing. We'd be broke without you. I said.

I know, honey. I just didn't know that it would result like this. he says and hugs me.

He leaves after, and I sit on my bed. Everything looks all white and black, and it's all in circles.....

**20 minutes later...**

I wake up seeing a plain green wall and Mom, Dad, Ashley, and Marco.

Where am I? I ask.

The hospital. Ellie, you passed out for some odd reason. We don't know why, but it's good you're awake. said the nurse.

Passed out? Why would I pass out? I didn't drink or anything. All I did was cut 1 tiny little mark in my skin...

But we discovered your cut. You lost a lot of blood, maybe that's why you passed out. said the nurse.

Um...how did I do that? I said.

The cut ooozed tons of blood. It wouldn't stop. said the nurse.

Honey....are you cutting again? asks Mom.

I cut once. That's all...I didn't think it would be that bad.. I said.

I look down at my arm, to find my cut. It was purple and all nasty....

The nurse put a huge band-aid over it.

Let it heal....I'll leave you all alone. said the nurse, leaving.

El, are you ok? asked Marco.

I'm not a psycho, ok? It was just one cut, and I didn't think it would be that bad... I said.

Yeah, I know...just wanted to make sure. said Marco.

No counceling..okay? I ask Mom and Dad.

No, but you have to promise to stop cutting. And we're disposing of all your razors. said Dad.

Will do. And that's a no to counceling right? I ask.  
You don't have to go, because it was only 1 cut. said Dad.

I nod my head.

Everyone's gone now and I'm trying to sleep. But I somehow can't. All my thoughts trace back to Sean. I wonder if he knows...

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	5. Bring Me Back To You

**Emotionless Chapter 5  
Bring Me Back To You**

A/N: Thanks dark spell for the notice. Personally, I don't have any experience with cutting, or know much about it, so that sort of helped. Yes, I hope this chapter can be more interesting! And it's finally a Sean POV!  
P.S- A good amount of Shellie fluff

**Chapter 5**

Once I got home from visiting Ellie, I had no time to spare. My dad informed us of a little phone call we got from the hospital. Concerning Ellie.

So as soon as I heard that, my mom and I rushed back to the car and headed to Toronto.

I wondered exactly what she did to herself. I hope I didn't cause it, because I knew I had caused her enough grief.

We walked inside the hosital room, only to see Ellie lying in a bed with a huge nasty cut across her arm. She started cutting again, and I knew it. Ellie told me when more then 1 things went wrong, she had always cut for every problem she had. I didn't know if that still applied, but Ellie only had 1 cut. Which meant there was only 1 problem.

Sean, what are you doing here? asked Ellie.

We got a phone call. I said, leaning against her bed.

I cut only once. Enough to feel some pain. And it wasn't about you. said Ellie.

All the other times you cut you were never in the hospital. Why now? I asked.

It got infected somehow. It turned purple and I almost bled to death. said Ellie.

I took her hand, not knowing if it was too soon. She pulled away, me realizing that she was in no mood to forgive me.

Sean....I know you want things to be the way they were, but they're just not. I mean, it's gonna take forever. said Ellie.

I don't care if it takes till we're 89 and crumpled prunes. Ellie, I love you, and I still do. It was so hard....the whole situation. I said.

I probably would of done the same thing. I'm just not used to this. No one's ever loved me before. said Ellie.

Well, take advice from someone who has been there. It's not easy. Nothing is. I understand if we never can be again. I said, standing up and walking outside.

said Ellie.

I stepped into the doorway, gave her a look, and walked away. Ellie had gotten her chances. She just didn't understand me, that day at Wasega. And I knew it was hard for her, it always seemed like it always was. But I was sick of waiting for her. I tried my hardest to tell her why, get her to understand. She just didn't get it....no one did.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Ellie, in her tacky hospital gown.

I said, not knowing what to say.

She grabbed me and kissed me, more passionate and more seriously than anyone had ever. For a moment I wondered why, but soon I was too into the kiss to even say anything.

It's gonna take me awhile to forgive you, but we never really officially broke up. said Ellie, smiling.

Wow...I wasn't really expecting that. I said.

It's just all the pain you caused me that made me so mad. I understand you didn't want to....but it was so hard. Harder than anything. said Ellie.

I'm really sorry about that... I said.

Let's just start over. she said.

You know, you do realize that you just said that it would take forever for you to be able to forgive me. I said.

Yeah...and it probably will. I just want to start over. said Ellie.

Fine with me. I said.

Hand in hand we walked back to her hospital room. I didn't know how the whole long distance relationship thing would work, but I was positive that we would make it work.

No matter what...


	6. So The Story Goes On

**Emotionless**

**Chapter Six- So The Story Goes On…**

**A/N: **Sorry for taking so long! Please enjoy this little "conclusion" chapter and I hope you check out my new fanfic, Beautiful Stranger! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and everyone who read, and everyone who did both.

After a couple of months, I finally was ok enough to leave the hospital. Of course, being just out of the hospital, people look at me weird at school. I kinda expected it. After all, having all the problems I have, you should expect all kinds of attention, negative and positive.

Sean ended up staying here, which made me really happy because I don't know if I could have made it through therapy and the hospital without him. He really makes me feel normal, like I don't have problems. Something definitely needed.

Also, my mother is now completely sober, although she does have a few drinks now and then. But nothing to be concerned about. However, with all her drinking problems in the past, I don't think our relationship can ever truly and completely heal.

Dad…well, he's still in Iraq, unfortunately. I miss him a lot, and hopefully he'll be back home soon. Things just aren't the same around here.

So, for now, I'll just have to continue therapy, and just live my life. Now, with Sean, which makes things even better.


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